Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Making your way through the Star Wars films is a fun task, one that's rewarding to see how the series has grown and evolved, but also kept the magic what we love about it. 

That is, until you reach Episode II - Attack of the Clones. 

Being an ignorant youth, I enjoyed this film when it came out for of a variety of reasons. I thought Natalie Portman was basically an angel for starters (she still is, let's be real). The movie had lightsabers, blasters, a big battle scene, a PG-rated decapitation and appendage removal, and was an integral part of one of my favorite videogame series at the time: Battlefront I and II. 

Man was I an idiot.  

As my girlfriend and I make our way through these movies (me so that I can do Retro Reviews, she so can watch many of them for the first time), this one tested both of our patience. She fell asleep for the latter half of the film and I was doing my best to wonder why I ever liked it in the first place. 

If ever there was a film with "middle-child" syndrome, Attack of the Clones is it.

I would say that it's not all bad, and there is some truth in that. But unlike Episode I where the "bad" stuff is arguably tolerable -- not to mention we get enough awesome new stuff to offset it -- Episode II has really no such respite. Or at least very little of it. For starters, the plot is fairly simple. Normally I wouldn't mind that because simple plots are usually coupled with a shorter film. Episode II hits 142 minutes for reasons unknown to me and watching it years later proved that it could have used a massive trimming. We're talking 40 minutes here. Something I hadn't noticed but found insanely irritating this time around was an early chase scene that is absurdly too long. It borders on 15-20 minutes, features the film's worst CGI (which is thankfully vastly improved since Episode I) and is only used to drive the plot forward minimally. It's this scene that is the most blatant offender, but a handful of other ones exist throughout. By the time we're getting set up for Episode III, not all that much has happened. There was an attempt to assassinate Padme. Obi-Wan investigates, leading him to find a hidden clone army. Further investigation leads him to find a second droid army. Anakin is Padme's "Secret Service". He goes home to save his mother. They come together and the Clone Wars start. All of that is an integral part of Star Wars lore, sure, but not enough for a nearly 2.5 hour film. 

And thus began my Natalie Portman crush...

Hayden Christensen takes over the role of Anakin Skywalker from Jake Lloyd and does just about as bad, if not worse. A lot of it is actually not his fault, but a lot of it is too. What may have passed in 2002 comes across as borderline stalker behavior as he tries to court Padme throughout. I swear I even saw a "Dat ass" lip-bite on at least one occasion. His pining looks are supremely creepy and if that's all it takes to get with Natalie Portman well then...consider me pissed. His interaction with Obi-Wan as a growing Padawan is a little better and feels more natural and 110% less creepy. I also give him props for his "dark" scene as it's here that we learn he actually has some acting ability when the material is right. Natalie Portman nearly does as bad as Hayden, but I think her career has proven that it was less acting capability and more a complete lack of chemistry and an awful script. And boy is it bad. There's obviously the whole "sand" bit and all the jokes that have risen from that, but in general the dialogue is unnatural, stilted, and just kinda dumb. It's often the most heavily cited reason for Episode II's problems. I'm not sure I agree with that, but it's definitely Top 3.

Genuinely one of the best scenes
of the entire first trilogy

Another aspect about Episode II that frustrates me, and I'm sure I sound like a broken record after my Episode I review, is the awful villain. Christopher Lee, the fine actor that he is, has nothing to do with it. For starters, he's not introduced until the last 40-30 mins of the film. He's uninspiring. Your general feeling toward him as a villain is, "Who's this guy?". Sure he's a powerful undercover Sith, but when we're talking about iconic villains in the Star Wars franchise, Count Dooku is about as lame as they get (in the movies at least). I come back to my point previously that, one of the biggest mistakes of this prequel trilogy, was their utter disposal of Darth Maul. Going from someone so fearsome and skilled in the previous film to an elderly, unexplained, curved-lightsaber-holding "bad guy" is a huge step down and it makes the mistake even more glaring. Jango Fett as a co-villain is much better, but he is completely underused. 

Despite my griping, there are a few things to appreciate in Episode II. Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan is still probably the best thing to come from the prequel trilogy and he's about the only one to come from this movie unscathed. Interestingly, he man-handles the script well too with most of his quips and one-liners hitting their marks. Near the end there's a plethora of action, some of which is very exciting. I think the best scene in the entire film is Jango Fett chasing Obi-Wan through the asteroid field and it's a particular highlight of the entire series. The arena battle is often fun too and the final lightsaber battle gets a breath of life once Yoda comes in and kicks some ass. 

I feel like there's a metaphor here...I just can't place it

Unlike the first film, this one has much better special effects too with only a handful of frames showing their age. Large scale battles look great as do most creatures and space battles. Sound effects are also fantastic and probably the film's single biggest achievement. The EMP bombs in the aforementioned Obi-Wan/Jango chase scene gave me straight-up eargasms with their visual/audio combo. 

Luckily my girlfriend is still interested enough to continue, mainly because she wants to see Rogue One and Episode VII (we're watching them in chronological order). I told her that this was the low point of the series beforehand, but neither of us were really prepared for just how lame Episode II ends up being. It's a bridge between the "beginning" and the ultimate transformation of Anakin that, at the end of the day, doesn't add much to the Star Wars universe on its own.

CONS

• Considerably longer than it needs to be. Not much actually happens in this Episode and it drags for over an hour in the middle, if not more
• The biggest culprit is a nearly 20 minute chase scene near the beginning. Absolutely no reason it needed to be that long
• Hayden Christensen is creepy AF as Anakin trying to court Padme. He has a hard time making any sort of affection look like anything other than horniness. For such an important character, his performance is severely lacking
• The romance between Padme and Anakin is painful. There is absolutely zero chemistry between the two actors and the awful script doesn't help matters
• And yes, the script is awful
• Utterly forgettable villain in Count Dooku

PROS

• Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan remains the best part of the original trilogy. I sincerely wouldn't have minded if this would have been an entire film about his investigation
• Final 30-40 minutes is entertaining even though it really comes out of no where
• Pretty good action in that final part. The Jango/Obi-Wan asteroid chase is by far the highlight of the film
• Another fantastic original score
• Vastly improved special and digital effects. Ages well in that regard
• Some awesome sound design and editing. There are some nifty sound effects
• Still offers up some new and imaginative substance that makes the prequel trilogy unique

Retro Rath's Review Score | 5/10