Movie 43

Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Common, Will Sasso, Seth MacFarlane, Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Liev Schreiber, Naomi Watts, Anna Faris, Chris Pratt, J.B. Smoove, Kieran Culkin, Emma Stone, Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Jack McBrayer, Aasif Mandvi, Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Bobby Cannavale, Kristen Bell, John Hodgman, Leslie Bibb, Katrina Bowden, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Grace Moretz, Patrick Warburton, Jimmy Bennett, Matt Walsh, Gerard Butler, Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Halle Berry, Stephan Merchant, Snooki, Terrence Howard, Corey Brewer (yes the one that plays for the Nuggets), Elizabeth Banks, and Josh Duhamel...

Read these names Hollywood! These are the names that sold you their souls for a quick buck! And those are just the famous ones! Shame on you! SHAME!!!

I'm not sure if many of you have heard...but Movie 43 came out last weekend to abysmal reviews. And when I say abysmal, I mean utterly and completely vicious. To quote Lou Lumenick of the New York Post: "If you mashed-up the worst parts of the infamous Howard the Duck, Gigli, Ishtar and every other awful movie I have seen since I started reviewing professionally in 1981, it wouldn't even begin to approach the sheer soul sucking badness on the cringe inducing Movie 43". Or how about Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times who puts it a little more bluntly: "Movie 43 is the Citizen Kane of awful." 

So naturally, being an amateur movie critic and a naive young adult I asked myself, "Can the movie really be THAT bad?" 

Yes. Yes it can. Thank God I only spent $4 on this f**king thing...

Yes, that is Kate Winslet and Hugh Jackman! Two of Hollywood's biggest
A-listers who are going on a blind date. Must be a funny part right? It is shameful
of me to tell you that this IS one of the funnier parts in the movie...because
the rest is so $#%&@#$&*#*$@#$ BAD!!! ARGHH!!! Sorry...

The funniest sketch in the movie is about this girl's
first period. Just let that soak in for a minute
(no pun intended)...

Honestly, I shouldn't even be reviewing Movie 43. It's not even a movie. It starts out as Dennis Quaid's character whose name I dont even know nor do I give a damn about, pitching to Greg Kinnear's character (a Hollywood producer) about his movie idea. And then he continues on with ALL of his ideas. So essentially, the movie is a bunch of separate sketches tied together by a plot so loose it couldn't hold A-cup breasts up if it were a bikini strap. Ahhh! That was a terrible joke! See what this movie does to you?? The skits honestly have no relation to each other whatsoever and come across as a bunch of random Hey-I-have-this-idea-for-a-movie-but-the-movie-would-only-be-about-10-minutes-long-so-lets-just-put-all-of-these-ideas-together-somehow-with-a-string-of-poop-and-fart-jokes-and-somehow-get-A-listers-to-be-in-it-does-that-sound-good-to-you-dude?-ideas (award for longest Rath's Review stringed phrase goes to...). In fact, now that I think about it, that's exactly the pitch that Dennis Quaid's character gives Greg Kinnear so that must be what they were going for right? It must be sheer genius right? WRONG. ABSO-F**KING-LUTELY WRONG!

SHAME ON YOU HOLLYWOOD! AGAIN!

Let me lay out this movie for you real quick. I am going to categorize every single part of it into segments. Oh and for all the sissys out there: *THIS IS YOUR DAMN SPOILER ALERT*

• ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY: 
• The Tampax shark commercial
• Basketball black team vs. white team sketch
• FUNNY FOR THIS MOVIE (AKA NOT REALLY THAT FUNNY):
• The first period sketch (depending on my mood, this could move up to the above category but then I realize I am laughing at a girl's first period...)
• 1-2 seconds of the neck-scrotum sketch...you know, the one with two of Hollywood's biggest stars? Jackman and Winslet?
• High school homeschooling brutality (this whole sketch was amusing actually)
• MEANT TO BE FUNNY BUT TRIES SO HARD THAT IT FACE PLANTS AND SHATTERS EVERY BONE IN ITS METAPHORICAL BODY:
• The iBabe sketch...an iPod that is actually a nude woman. Seriously? How is that even funny? 
• Super Hero Speed Dating sketch
• The Poop-on-my-chest sketch. Yes, you read that right and yes, I am ashamed that I typed it
• Foul mouthed leprechaun sketch which plummets Gerard Butler's career even further down the crapper than anyone possibly imagined. Is this really the guy who once played King Leonidas? Eeesh...
• A vicious game of truth or dare between Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant
• UMMMM WTF? 
• The whole back story where one guy pitches the movie ideas to the other guy and the movie tries to make fun of itself but even fails miserably at that and it never ends sort of like this run-on sentence
• A segment with Emma Stone where I literally could not explain to you what happened if I tried. I dont want to injure myself
• A commercial...wait hold up. A commercial in a movie? Yes. A commercial in a movie. I KNOW. But anyways, a commercial that suggests that inside of ATM's and Copy Machines are little children that hand us what we need (i.e. money and paper). So when we get mad at the ATM and copy machines, we cause the little children inside the machines to cry. As the title above suggests: ummmmmm WTF?
• SO BAD THAT I LITERALLY ALMOST LOST ALL FAITH IN HUMANITY THAT THIS NOT ONLY MADE IT TO A MOVIE SCREEN BUT FOR THE SHEER FACT THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT UP:
• The final sketch about a cartoon cat named Beezel with Josh Duhamel and Elizabeth Banks. If I wrote down the words to describe the plot, I would proceed to jump out of my third story window due to dramatic brain-cell-count loss

Might be the only redeeming part about this film

Movie 43 is abysmal. It's only 2 and a half hours after the movie has ended and the more and more I think about it, the more sour the taste in my mouth gets. Don't be like me and ask, "Is it really THAT bad?" Just take my word for it. I cannot be saved. I lost the brain cells it took to watch that movie...I spent the $4 on the ticket...I wasted gas to get to the movie theater...and I wasted time to write you this warning: DO NOT SEE MOVIE 43. Don't let the cast fool you, don't let the fact that there are a few funny parts fool you. Just skip it. If you really want to see it that bad, torrent the damn thing. Am I even allowed to say that? You know what, I don't care. Hollywood shouldn't be allowed to make something this atrocious.
Hundreds and thousands of years from now, our generation of humanity will be studied and that includes our movies and cinema culture. I pray to God that every copy of Movie 43 is destroyed so that we don't become the laughing stock of all civilizations throughout history. And you thought the fall of Rome was bad...

Pros:

• Tampax commercial
• Black vs. white basketball team
• I sincerely laughed 3 times. I counted

Cons:

• The fact that I am done writing this review now
• The brain cells that I lost
• Pretty much everything else about the movie (aside from the period and homeschooling skit...those fall somewhere in the middle)
• The simple fact that I thought parts of this movie were funny entirely because of how unfunny the rest of it is. Things I would have never even smiled at in other movies would get a soft chortle out of me in this one
• It slowly kills you inside and gets worse as more time passes
• The final sketch about the cartoon cat. Whoever created that should be banished from society. I would say killed, but that would be showing too much mercy. Josh Duhamel and Elizabeth Banks really need to reevaluate their lives/careers/sanity
• Honestly if I dont give this movie a 0 out of 10, what movie deserves it?

Rath's Review Score: 

0/10 -- Embarrasses Humanity

I'm not even going to link a trailer to this one. Not worth anybody's time. But there is a new user poll so vote in that! Most anticipated movies of 2013 readers???